UPDATE: 3/19/2010 Governor Sandford's wife might be interested in today's news of Cynthia Shackelford being awarded $9 million dollars to be paid by the "other woman". FINALLY, the concept of women betraying the sisterhood is examined and vindication to good-wives-left is granted.
An Open Letter Governor Sanford
Governor Sanford,
At first my letter to you started off in a snarky, snide tone, with little hope that the "wisdom" of my age and experience would fall on listening ears. However, after googling, yahoo-ing, and wikiped-ing you in preparation for this little chat, I've discovered the latest news that you plan to spend the Fourth of July with your family at your in-laws in Florida! The in-laws? Really? That changes everything. My non-professional prognosis, therefore, for your seemingly terminal marriage has started to shift toward the positive a bit, along with my attitude. After all, any man willing to spend the holidays with in-laws after having (well, let's not put it delicately) humiliated his wife and family, deserves some sort of something. So along with the sliver of tolerance I can manage, I'm going to throw in some unsolicited and actually serious advice. Follow these steps and you might actually be able, one day, to attend your sons' weddings sitting blissfully next to their mother instead of awkwardly dreading the whole affair (pun intended).
Step One: Stop all "soul-mate" discussion immediately - with the press, with your wife, with your friends, but most importantly with yourself. We all understand what you mean by soul-mate. You are not unique. We've all had them, have them, loved them, lost them, blah-da-de-blah. We also all know what a soul-mate is - It's the person who can finish your sentences. It's the person who loves what you love, who sees the world as you see it. It's the person, however, with whom you have never done the bills or wallpapered the bathroom, except in those rare occasions where a bride and groom actually bought into the two for one special at the get-go. The rest of us discover that inimitable joy that comes from actual working toward mate/soul-mate status.
I am quite fortunate to have three soul-mates in the world. One is my daughter who understands, all of the "words coming out of my mouth" as the Chris Tucker character shouts to "Lee" in Rush Hour. With my daughter, communication is easy and fluid and I don't have to explain sentences that might be unclear to my left-brained, software engineer husband.
Another person whom I have felt was a soul-mate is a former director of an agency I worked for, a woman who understands how I think and sees the world from the same perspective as I do.
And finally, there is a young man, an instructor and advisor at a university, who is like a son to me and also thinks as I do. A few years ago, on the day of my husband's birthday, I came into his office telling him I hadn't bought a present for my husband yet and and was too tired to put forth the effort at that point. "We'll think of something, he said. (It was five minutes to five.) "Just tell me what you admire about Mike." I went on about Mike's reliability and devotion to the children and to me, stuff like that, and he looked around his desk. He had a pile of river rocks that his little boys had given him from the beach. He took one and wrote on it with a Sharpie, "My Rock" . I gave it to Mike that night and my husband was so touched he almost cried. He kept it for many years. That's what soul-mates do for you - they help you enhance your marriage, not destroy it.
Step Two: Do not see, call, email, or have any other communication with little Miss Argentina. Let me tell you, as a woman, I see the "other woman" as a nothing. Any one of us could have been "the other woman." We chose not to be. Obviously this woman needed to believe she could give you what your wife could not. It's the highest form of betrayal of the sister-hood. It's the highest form of arrogance originating basically in low self-esteem. Good women don't do that to another woman and you really have to question the integrity of someone who would be so callous toward the mother of those little boys I see standing in the pictures with you. I know, I know, she didn't mean it that way and her love for you blinded her, but in reality, it is what it is. Even in melodious Spanish that phrase is stark.
Step Three: Reparation. There is one tradition that has fallen away from Catholicism in America that I miss - confession. It was a brilliant idea that no one understood except those of us raised in the tradition. More important than the forgiveness confession provides, is the reparation it requires - reparation equal to the act of commission. In your case, Governor, I would say, you owe a great deal of reparation to your wife and your little boys. Forget about the constituents. Pay them back what you owe and that's that. It's easy. But for your wife? Only she will be able to tell you what reparation would be enough. She can't tell you with words necessarily - not now, but she will be able to let you know what's appropriate and what's enough (and there will come a day, if you've done this right that it will have been enough). But listen to her, no matter how subtle or obscure the message. If she needs you to do the dishes, be there in the blink of an eye - washing, drying, putting them away. Better yet, don't wait any longer to tell you that the metaphorical dishes need washing. Just be there. Get it?
Step Four: Relocation might be in order. Quit the damn job if you need to. Go to where you and your family can forget this. Psychologists will tell you that relocation therapy doesn't work, I'm not sure of that. If your wife wants to, do it.
Step Five: Youv'e said you want to re-connect again. (It's a bit insulting to couch it in "falling in love" sappy-ness, in my opinion, and indicates your immaturity, but whatever works for you.) This little story of re-connection might help.Twenty years ago, our friends from Seattle called to say that Mary had fallen in love with the audiologist where she worked. Jack was devastated, but they wanted to save the marriage. My husband and I talked to them and really didn't know what to advise. (We were all so young then). But they figured it out. Six months later, we found out that Mary and Jack had bought an old sailboat, refurbished it together, and were sailing up and down the Washington coast. I think they had plans to sail all the way down to Mexico at one point. Got it?
Step Six: If a counselor wants to delve into your wife's part in your dalliance, get a new psychologist. Let me tell you that right now, there is probably no one more engaged in self-analysis than she is. She will come to you with her own understanding of what part she may have played, if any. But seriously, accept full responsibility because I will tell you, there are millions of wives who have done whatever you might think your wife has done to cause you to drift away. Guess what? Their husbands didn't have affairs. They stayed and figured it out. They talked about it. They got help. Going to couples' counseling and having a psychiatrist at this point, ask your wife about her part in the whole mess is like putting the victim of a rape on the stand and asking what she was wearing. Forget it!
Step Seven: Imagine your life as a divorced man. Little Miss Argentina may or may not want to continue the relationship, and you know as well as I do that, all soul-mate stuff aside, the true test of a relationship is living together, deciding if you're going to keep the windows closed or open when you're sleeping, and putting up with errant used dental floss mistakenly left on bathroom sinks.
From a purely financial perspective, as a former financial advisor, surely you most know the effect on those whose salary is cut in half with child support and spousal maintenance. It's devastating with life-long life-style effects.
Now close your eyes. Try to imagine this scene. You're living outside of the place you call home. Imagine walking up to the door of your old house, knocking on the door, and picking up your little boys for, let's say, a Sunday outing. Imagine dropping them off and saying good-bye to them at the end of day. Imagine their graduations, you on one side of the bleachers, your wife on the other. Imagine their weddings, your first grandchild - all joyous events tarnished with the bitterness of divorce (And trust me, it's not like "The New Adventures of Old Christine." Bitterness, if not right out front in the open, is always lurking behind the scenes). But most of all, think of the psychological effect of divorce on your little boys - how careful they'll have to be in front of you, for example, not to mention your mother's new love, or conversely, having to keep secrets about your life to avoid new pain for their mother). For heaven's sake (maybe literally), that thought alone should be enough to motivate you to make your marriage fresh and new again.
Step Eight: Start looking at old pictures, reading old love letters or cards you've written to your wife, watching old video, talking about your history together. Your history together for a lifetime is more powerful than this mid-life craziness.
So there it is, Governor. I have no credentials for this advice. I only have the pain of divorce, the guilt for my child's pain, and my own regrets. Like a mother against drunk drivers, I'm a wife against drunk decision-making. I hope in your sobered state, Mr. Governor, you can see more clearly. In a way, I feel you are a lucky man. You had the nation's wrath, the public's ire, and just the fact that your position forced such open-ness may just have saved it all - for yourself, your wife, and most importantly, for your little boys.
